J.O.R.T.s

The S.E.C.

2009-03-18T12:14:00.000-07:00

Last week we covered the subject of Florida Fans who were Jorts. Tireless research by the JortsBlog staff has revealed that indeed, the Gators are unrivaled in their Denim Adoration. We were able to locate evidence of widespread Love for the Knee Jeans throughout the S.E.C.

Here we have both Kentucky and Georgia fans showing their fandom.

And Here we see Alabama fan showing his support of Denim Shorts;

Here, also is a Tennesee fan showing uncommon dedication to outdated fashion with his tailored jorts paired with the ever popular combination of Socks and Sandals, Orange Socks no less.

Now Tennesse fans are a proud bunch, that cannot be argued. What can be argued is their choice of when and where to display their team colors.

Again, here at Jorts, most female's are fully approved for Jean-short wearing, and this is no exception. What is at issue is the pant choice of the man in the background. Not jeans, not shorts, but still not OK.

The staff was unable, however to avoid the onrush of Gators when researching this topic.

The Florida Fans are simply unbeatable in this category.

I will officialy end the Tour of the S.E.C. with a final fabulous photo.

Moving beyond the S.E.C., I will leave you with this weeks favorite Jorts Item. Submitted by loyal reader Jeff in Olathe, here we see a Washington Redskin fan utilizing the multiple pockets on his Jorts to their maximum. 3 Beers, and still rooom for one tiny American flag. Truly an American Jorts Hero;

MU Vs Florida

2009-03-11T12:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on KAOS I was brought in a a guest expert on the subject of knee jeans. The topic was this post, a cover from a new magazine, The Missouriaen;

In response, the staff here at Jorts have been researching the subject of Missourians and Jean Shorts. Here are some of the images we have been able to uncover.

While the staff has done some great work in this regard, one thing became clear while we were researching this issue. There is not one single place in this entire world where Jean Shorts are more accepted than in Gainesville, Florida. The Sheer numbers are staggering. All over these wonderfull interwebs, Florida Fans are sporting bare calves for all to enjoy. Their love of the dungaree's for your knees is astounding. Here follows a collection of amazing images collected by the tireless reseach staff of Jorts.

Reader Input

2009-03-04T13:49:00.000-08:00

J.O.R.T.S. always appreciates the feedback of loyal readers. Recently I asked our readership to assist me in Scouring the interwebs for a photograph of Super Bowl Winning QB Ben Roethlisberger clad in denim shorts. This photo was not found. In its place, I submit to you a widely circulated photo of Heisman Trophy winning QB Tim Tebow in his Jean Shorts.

The observant reader will also notice that Mr. Tebow is wearing what appear to be Birkenstock style sandals with his Jean shorts, causing one to wonder if perhaps he thought he had won a Time Machine as part of his Heisman Prize. He looks as if he is ready to travel back to 1994 and take a recruiting tour with Danny Wuerffel.

Unbeknowst to me however, Tebow is merely trying to keep in touch with his fan base. Our next photo shows a loyal gator fan displaying the stuff of champions. This unnamed fan has stumbled into the wrong section for a Florida- Florida State Football game, and a rather lovely young seminole has taken the opportunity to mock the mans choice in fabric.

Possibly the most unusual thing about this photo is that the co-ed seems to be wearing some denim shorts herself. The reason why she recieves no grief for her fashion choice? Simple. She can pull it off.

That leads me to another point. People often ask me, "Whats wrong with Jean shorts?" Inquiring as to why I choose to mock someone simply for their fashion decisions. Again, the answer is simple. It's Funny.

There are a variety of reasons why someone choose to continue wearing Knee-Jeans. Sometimes this decision is to be hailed as a sign of someone who knows where they come from, and likes to show their roots. Brett Favre comes to mind here. Sometimes its a sign of a person who is lost, they just don't know that the rest of us moved on, found new styles and left the Half-Jeans behind. There is alsoa large segment of the male populace that, for whatever reason, choose that time period in their lives as the time when they no longer wanted to keep up with the Fashion Train. "I'm Done" was the collective statement. They no longer need a new style or follow the latest trend.

Whatever the reason for the continuiation of this fashion trend from my youth, my role here is just to highlight it. If you are a wearer of jorts, you can come here and find others who share your denim fixation. Perhaps you wear a mullet and are looking for the perfect accessory or accoutremont.

Whatever, its all in fun.

Attention Loyal Jorts Readers

2009-02-26T07:08:00.000-08:00

Attention Loyal Jorts Readers and Fellow KAOS fans.

I need assistance with two images. First of all, Super Bowl Winning QB Ben Roethlisberger was seen in a recent issue of Sports Illustrated wearing Some high quality Denim Shorts. I have been unable to locate this image on the otherwise fabulous interwebs, so if anyone can help I would appreciate it.

Also, I need you help in determining whether the Shorts shown in the picture below are indeed Denim. There seems to be some confusion regarding the material, and the wearer seems to want to dissasoiciate themselves with the Jorts Phenomenon.

Please help loyal reader(s).

Work Place Rant

2009-02-18T14:13:00.000-08:00

Workplace Tips, and things to avoid.

The Break Room fridge.
This is not a place to put food that you ever want to eat again. This is a place to donate food to your apparently starving co-workers. If you put a Pizza in that fridge at lunchtime, it is guaranteed to be completely gone by 3 o’clock. Well almost completely gone, there will be one piece left in the box, obviously bitten in half. Despite the very clear teeth marks in the final slice, you will find that some stranger will appear instantly to inform you that “someone” tore that off, it wasn’t a bite. These Bite deniers are the strangest of creatures. They are not there to tell you that they themselves did the tearing, but to place them blame on another co-worker. After relaying their insignificant bit of false information, they disappear again, waiting for a sandwich to be left so they can eat a corner of it, and leave others to ponder. Be Ware of the bite deniers.

The Microwave
Could you clean it? Really, its not that hard, just give it a wipe down.
Everytime I head to the breakroom to use the microwave, it’s a disgusting mess. It appears that someone in my office has a habit of taking raw tomatoes and tossing them in the microwave, then just walking away. No clue why they would do this, but it sure does appear to be the case.

The Coffee Pot
Our Office has luckily done away with this problem, but it is very common elsewhere I know. If you drink coffee, make coffee. If you choose not to refill the coffee after you have finished the pot, you should not be allowed to Drink the Coffee! Its simple people!

The Personal Call
In the office enviroment, there are often times when your personal life will take priority. You might receive a phone call that requires your immediate attention. You might need to counsel a child, or resolve a conflict with your spouse. When this happens, when your private life intrudes, get up from your cube, move to a private area of the office and continue there. I do not want to hear about it. I do not want to hear you argue, or lecture, or any of it. I especially do not want to hear you re-hash last nights bar adventures with your frat buddies. You repeatedly hollering F-yeah Tommy! Is not helpful for me while I am trying to be productive. Take it to the hallway, an empty break room, wherever you can just get away from me and my job with your personal B.S.

2009-02-10T13:42:00.000-08:00

Omega watches announced today they are going full speed ahead with their support of Michael Phelps. The Michael Phelps Perpetual Alarm Chronograph will launch the third Monday of April. The New Watch features a built in alarm that cannot be changed. The alarm signals the wearer at 4:20 each and every day.

Throwing Darts

2009-02-04T13:21:00.000-08:00

I hate that term. People use it to describe something random.
It's not. If you have any skill at all, throwing darts is actually quite precise.

A great Debate

2009-02-04T12:58:00.000-08:00

Who would win in a fight between Courtney Paris and Laila Ali?

Courtney Paris. 6'4 240 lbs 21 years old.

Laila Ali. 5'10 167. 31 years old.

One is a trained fighter, the other a top shelf collegiate althlete.

Both have athletic Fathers, one of whom is the greatest boxer of all time, the other a Super Bowl Champion. Do size and Power win the day? Or is the trained fighter destined to come out on top?

Either way, its obvious to most who the real winner is.... Us if we get to watch it go down.

5 Words

2009-02-04T12:47:00.000-08:00

I would like to share with you my top five One-Word, non curse, PC insults which are guaranteed to start fights.

Buddy.
Pal.
Clown.
Chief.
Skippy.

And a bonus word, for use to start a physical fight when your logical arguments have failed.

Whatever.

As in, "Whatever Pal, you are just wrong"

JIHAD!

2009-02-04T06:55:00.000-08:00

A long story from the basketball court, but worth telling. One of the regular players in our game is a middle eastern looking man we have nicknamed Ali. He, I am guessing, is not an natural born American, but where he might be from, I do not know. He looks to be of some sort of middle eastern descent.
In the last week, a new guy has shown up at the gym for hoops. 18 year old Blue Valley type, white kid, no toughness. I do not know his name, he has acquired the nickname "the kid"
Today the kid was guarding Ali. Kid was running around a screen to guard Ali as he was launching a three.
Often in the situation, a player will try to distract the shooter with a yell. One of my friends is fond of a hearty "GOO!" in this situation.
The kid selected a different term. With his hands raised and loud enough to be heard outside of the gym, he yelled, I kid you not, "JIHAD!."

Probably the most inappropriate thing I have ever actually witnessed. Especially from a sober person. And I have to say, honestly, it was just about the funniest thing I have EVER heard.

Driving Rant

2009-01-14T12:21:00.000-08:00

Driving Sucks. Correction, city driving with other people around sucks. If you can get out for the afternoon and run down some back roads, maybe a curvy country highway, that is enjoyable. But dealing with morons every day so that I can get over where I need to be, that sucks. Here are my top reasons why.

The 4 way stop. Its painful, really. Watching these numb heads try to negotiate one of the simpler on-road interactions and failing so miserably that it reminds one of a mentally handicapped mouse trying to complete a maze with no cheese at the end. It should be simple; there are 4 cars at a stop sign one facing each direction. If no one is turning, then 2 cars can go at a time, with no risk of vehicular death. But no, never can we execute this dance with out a stutter and a stop and a near death swerve. I drive through three 4-way stops every morning. It never fails, there are always horns and screams and fist waving that are based solely on the failure of one driver to take their turn.

Merging from the on ramp. Merge signs on the on ramp to any major highway should have a Nike Swoosh on them, Just Do It. Why do these people drive to the end of the ramp and sit there? What do they expect, that all cars will stop and they can start on the highway from a dead stop?

Hang up the phone. Or pull over. This will soon become a law, as I understand it. Two groups of people who are most frequently guilty of driving while on the phone, soccer moms, and Cops. Soccer moms I get, they are not really interested in the task of driving, they are oblivious to those around them anyway, might as well get some gossip in. The police do not understand, aren’t they the one’s telling us how dangerous it is? But every time I pass a police car, the officer inside is on the phone.

How to Turn Left. Stay in your own damn lane, idiot. If you stay in your lane, and I stay in mine, we should not have a problem turning the same direction on the same four-lane road.

Tips for the Gym

2009-01-06T07:39:00.001-08:00

As we enter a new year many people feel the need to get healthy, to lose weight and be more fit. As a service to those of you who are returning to the gym for the first time after a long absence, I want to give you a quick guide for guys to avoid at the gym. We will procede through these in a reverse order of danger, from some annoying folks to those who might really be hazardous to your long term well being.

The Socializer.
Generally a middle aged white man, this creature can come in all ages and sizes, so be wary. The Socializer can often be found with or near coffee. If your gym has a coffee maker, he knows where it is. He also will often be carrying a newspaper. The Socializer is mainly annoying for his ability to not work out at all, while spending long hours at the gym. The Socializer can prevent you from getting your work out in as well. He may lean on the weight machine while you are trying to lift, discussing varius females as they walk by, or he may want to discuss his misinformed opinions regarding the Kansas City Chiefs while you are trying to work the leg press. If you see the Socializer, turn up the tunes, pretend to speak a foreign language, or if thinks are really bad, break the coffee maker.

The Sales Guy
Trainers are great, and can be helpful. But often it is hard to distinguish a real trainer from a Sales Guy. The Sales Guy looks talks and acts like a trainer, but instead of helping you, he is helping himself, or the gym. You will know you have gotten snagged by the Sales Guy, instead of a real trainer, if during each training session your questions are being answered with a product recommendation. For example, if your question involves tightening your abs, a real trainer might suggest a new crunch or sit-up technique, while the Sales Guy will recommend two new supplements from the pro shop and an extra twentry minute weekly session at $200 per. Also known in some circles as the “Gear Guy”, for his awe inspiring collection of gadgets and sweat bands. If you are confronted by a person who looks like a trainer, but has two wrist bands on each forearm, a knee band on each leg, and tape or chalk on more than one extremity, move along. If you have gotten hooked up with the Sales Guy, request a new trainer immediately.

Grunter
Powerlifting requires a great deal of energy to be released in a short amount of time, and you will often see Powerlifters during Olympic coverage who scream, shout, and grunt with a power usually not seen in humans. The Grunter will also use these power sounds to assist in his lifting techniques, the difference of course is that he is benching the bar, not going for a new world record. There is not much you can do to avoid the Grunter, you can crank the I-pod or you can change your workout time. The Grunter generally follows a set routine so avoiding his workouts should be easy to do.

High School Wrestler
Not to let the name confuse you, but the Wrestler is rarely actually a wrestler. He likely was at one time, though. And the memories of those past glories, and failures has never left him. He is very closely associated with the Grunter, and Gear Guy. He spends the majority of his free time here at the gym, and is way ripped. He will likely want to correct every technique of yours and will destroy your workout routine by crushing your confidence and attempting to make you feel like the puny weakling that you are. You don’t need that. He should be easy to avoid, because his shoulders will protrude forward from his body farther than his sternum, creating an odd convex curve across the front of his body. His elbows are turned slightly outward to further display his ridiculously large bi’s and tri’s. In the locker room, he will often use a Mickey Mouse towel after his shower, highlighting his immaturity and insecurity with himself.

Crank Tank Hank
Hank is not at every gym, thank God. That is because not every gym has a Crank Tank. If your gym does have a crank tank, you might consider moving to a new gym, because it is a guarantee that Hank will be there, in the tank, with his crank. And he will want to talk to you. He may suggest that a few minutes in the hot tub is great after the workout. And he’s right, but lets look for a co-ed Hot Tub, where clothing is REQUIRED. Same goes for the steam room, by the way. If the steam room is tucked back in the men’s locker room and clothing is optional you will no doubt run into the Inappropriate Stretcher. Listen buddy, that towel is not big enough for your yoga moves, get that stuff out of my face.

Junk Dryer
So, you just caught a quick shower so you can get back to the office, and you come around the corner to the sink and there he is. Junk Dryer. Drying his Junk. With the push button hot air blower designed for your hands. Why? Towel not getting the job done for ya? You really need to have hot air blowing on your stuff while you are standing in the middle of a locker room? That’s something you need? Move along, buddy, your not here for the workout are ya.

MeatGazer
Speaking of not here for the workout, this is the most dangerous person you will likely run into at the gym. He can most often be found one of two places. The basketball court, and the locker room. He’s not out there playing basketball, mind you. He will often be there, just walking laps. And gazing creepily. Whenever you look directly at the Meatgazer, he will be staring awkwardly into space, giving you a glimpse of what a woman must feel like when she returns to work right after her breast implant surgery. The Gazer spends more time at the gym than anyone, even the staff. The Gazer will often take several showers a day and spend a very long time after each shower drying himself and generally enjoying the sites. If your gym has a Crank Tank, or a clothing optional steam room, the Gazer will be there also. He knows Hank and the Stretcher, and they talk freely. Literally Freely, nothing holding them back. If you ever walk into your locker room and see a man in black socks, a sweatshirt and nothing else, nothing AT ALL, you have found the Gazer. Don’t bother changing gyms or schedules to avoid him though. He is always there. Just stay far, far away.

it happened one night

2008-12-31T12:40:00.000-08:00

It was morning really, about 2:20. I had just left the Golden Q, in Hays, with a buddy that was home for the summer, and his co-worker a man I knew only as Terry*. Terry was driving a Jeed, a real off-roader type, lifted, chevy 350 all the goodies. Terry was blasted, should never have been driving. He leaves the Q and heads west towards campus. At the time of the incident I was living at the University Apartments on 12th street. Terry believes that it is possible for him to drive on 8th street, then cut North to 12 across an open field. The other passenger, Mark* and I, both knew that this was not possible. The "open field" was dissected by railroad tracks, on the north side of which was a ravine about 12-16 feet deep and maybe 25 feet across. This ravine is not visible from 8th street because of the rail road tracks. Terry insisted on trying to cross the field, despite the screams of dissenting opinion from both Mark and myself. As we launched over the tracks, Terry let out a sickening grunt and "oh, no" I had a moment to consider that this was going to be the end for me, but as it turns out it was only the begining. The Jeep landed all four wheels on level ground for a brief instance, then careened down into the base of the ravine. Terry insisted that everything was fine, and he could drive us out. I was quite shaken from the adventure thus far, I had after all been sitting on an empty beer cooler and holding on to the roll bar the entire time.This is a good time to mention a few facts about the time and place of these events.First, there is a footbridge that crossed the ravine that students use to get back and forth to campus.Second, at 3:20 a.m. every morning a freight train runs down these tracks, by my judgement the train is usually travelling well in excess of the 45mph limit that trains are required to run through a town.Also, the town of Hays offers no options for crossing from the south end other than surface streets and railroad crossings, there is no bridge over, nor tunnel under the tracks.To get the Jeep back up out of the ravine took a grand level of driving skill. To exit on the side of the ravine where the tracks are took a major level of stupidity. From the ravine's edge to the track base at the point of exit was not more the 12 feet. from a standstill the Jeep did not have enough momentum to cross the tracks, and quickly became hung up. I know this part of the story is hard to buy for many people, but train tracks are actually quite an obstacle when there is no road leading up to them. There is quite a large base of loose gravel beneath the ties, and then the ties and tracks themselves. The front wheels were actually hanging over the first track, and the rear wheels began to dig into the loose gravel base, and this is what caused the most difficulty. Terry dug the rears in quite a bit and that left us with little leverage to move the front wheels.I had suggested biting the bullet and calling the police immediatley after the Jeep became stuck, and now after 30 minutes of working to get it unstuck, Mark joined me in advising Terry to suck it up. At 3:10 Terry relented, and I retreated to the house to call not the police, who might be able to stop the train, but instead a tow truck to assist in freeing the vehicle. I returned to the site of the incident with my roommates to make a final push to free said vehicle. As we walked towards the Jeep, we noticed a group of 20-30 people who had retrieved lawnchairs when they returned home from the bars, and were now watching the events from the parking lot.Our efforts again having failed, I returned to the apartment lot to await the tow truck. When It arrived, I told the driver to get out and enjoy a show. Sensing his confusion, I pointed to the west to headlight of the onrushing train. From a distance of no more than 50 yards, I saw the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my life. The Jeep was stuck on the right front fender, twisting the vehicle like the number 7. the body seperated from the frame but remained on top of it, like a terrible lift kit job gone wrong. All the glass was shattered and the cooler I had been sitting on was hurled a hundred feet into the ravine. It was truly the most amizing thing I have ever seen.After the train came to rest, Mark, Terry, and I decided upon a ridiculous story to tell the POlice, in an effort to avoid long term jail sentances. The general premise of our story was that the vehicle had been stolen. We decided that we should tell the police we had walked to the Q, and left the vehicle in the apartment parking lot. We had walked home to find it on the tracks, and that was when we called the tow truck. Obvioulsy this story held no water, and was not going to fool any cop, but we were proud of it. We retrieved the cooler, retreated to my apt and changed our clothes, they had become quite dirty as we attempted to free the stuck vehicle. We put the dirty clothes in the cooler and hid it in my roommates truck. Knowing the police had my address from the tow service, and would be by shortly. So we started drinking again. And when the cops knocked, Terry answered to door with a beer in hand.He did not get a DUI, because they could not prove that he was drunk before or after getting the Jeep Stuck on the tracks. He was charged with Federal Trespassing, resisting arrest, assualt and obstruction of justice, but that is another story for another day.
No, there are no pictures, but there once was a quick blurb in the Hays Daily News about it. It happened summer of 99 i think.

2008-12-18T13:37:00.003-08:00

spam

2008-12-18T13:37:00.001-08:00

Spam.

I don’t get it. Well, I mean I GET it. We all get it. And way, way too much of it. I just don’t know why. Are there people out there buying discount Viagra from an unknown company based solely on a random unsolicited email?
It seems like the worst possible business model. Yet it persists. And grows. Are there a group of companies behind these spam mails? I doubt it, I imagine one lonely dude in his basement with cases of little plastic bottles, hoping that some other lonelier dude somewhere in the vast interwebs clicks “buy now”

A note to new parents who live in family neighborhoods, be carefull with your baby monitors. If your neighbor has a similar baby monitor to the one you use, and you have the transmitter in your bedroom, and they have their baby monitor on, and it is late at night, and there is indeed no baby around, and you are participating in potentially baby creating activities, you may find that you and your neighbors are quite a lot closer to each other than you probably intend.

My son is 7. He often displays wisdom beyond his years, manifested in the smallest simplest form. The other day he explained to me, while sitting in a full Karate studio, that sometimes when he butt itches, he scratches it. In a matter of speaking, that is what make the world go ‘round isn’t it?

Long time gone

2008-12-18T13:36:00.000-08:00

But now I'm back.

Sorry I was away so long, its ok nothing funny happened anyway.

Hall of Famer Daisy Mae Duke

2008-11-14T10:59:00.000-08:00

Yes, we know, it was Catherine Bach who started the whole thing. But inducting Catherine would have left a blonde void in the Hall and forced us to recognize two women for the same thing, kicking ass in tiny shorts. They are called Daisy Dukes for a reason. Well at least women women are wearing them, other wise they are just creepy. And Jessice sure did live up to the hype that started way back when. This induction is marked by two memorable images.

Hall of Famer Brooke Christa Camille Shields

2008-11-14T10:55:00.000-08:00

We at Jorts like only one thing more than Jean Shorts. And that is girls who talk dirty. While Brooke's fame is built not on shorts, but on full jeans (and a hot ass) we cannot deny that her one single line forever transformed the fabric we love.

"You want to know what comes between me and my Calvins? Nothing."

Need we say more?

Denim Hall of Famer Brett Lorenzo Favre

2008-11-14T10:48:00.000-08:00

First in his class for the Denim Hall, Favre is pictured in his favorite Rolled Cuff Jorts, the faint hints of a tight mullet hiding behind his baseball cap. Favre is a lifelong devotee of the All-American fabric, and is currently a pitchman for Wrangler. Never one to stray from his roots, my source tell me that Brett keeps these same Jorts in his closet to this day. The gridiron start and certain Pro Football Hall of Famer was unaivalable for comment on his selection to the Hall Of Denim. Also unavailable was an explanation of Favre's middle name, Lorenzo, which is seldom associated with white boys from the Deep South.

Hall Of Fame

2008-11-14T07:37:00.000-08:00

Here at Jorts, we have made and executive decision to create the Hall Of Denim.
The Hall itself will be an elaborate structure with many columns and porticices. Or portici, or whatever, I don't even know what a portico is anyway, but the Hall will be very Ornate. Although it is not yet built, we are going to begin the process of assembling the first class on inductees. The rules for induction are simple. The Hall itself will consist of people who, through their creative use of Denim, Shorts in particular, have helped raise the profile of the most All-American of Fabrics. To this end I submit the first class of inductees. Over the course of the day today, I will Present each of these Luminary figures, along with the Image that will mark their place in the Hall.

Homeless Shoes

2008-11-10T07:15:00.000-08:00

Whats the point of a Leaf Blower? All you are doing is blowing your problem off to another persons yard so you don’t have to take care of it. Why is this so acceptable to people? What I got a garbage shooter and all my trash was launched over the fence to somebody else's house?

You ever see a homeless guy on the side of the road with a Dog? I hate that. I like to stop and drop off a bag of Dog food so the dog doesn’t have to suffer. You can see it in their eyes, especially when the Paris Hilton types drive by in their convertibles with a puppy in their purse, “How did I get stuck on the freeway with this smelly dude, and fluffy is riding around in that purse and doesn’t even have to walk”

You ever see a shoe on the side of the road? Its always just one shoe. How does that happen? What are these people doing that causes sudden dramatic Shoe Loss? Are people just driving down the road with their feet out the window? Wouldn’t you consider coming back for a shoe that just flew out the window? I like to think of people showing up to work minus a shoe and having to explain to their boss that they couldn’t keep their feet inside the car on the way to work.

I don’t understand these sports commentators. What are they talking about?
“He’s really coming into his own”. His own what? And where was he before he went in?
“He is really setting the world on fire right now” This is apparantley meant as some sort of complement, but I don’t get it. I would say, in my opinion, that if you were to Set the World on Fire, that would be a BAD thing.

The Buick of Death

2008-10-28T14:13:00.000-07:00

The Most fun I ever had in a Buick. Man, what Idiots we are when we are young.
My first ever car was a 1984 Buick Skyhawk. 4 doors, 4 cylinders, no front suspension. One depressing Western Kansas afternoon, I had two of my friends get in the backseat while I was driving. We were traveling on a back highway in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon, very little traffic. I set the cruise at 45 and proceeded to climb into the passenger seat. I was holding the steering wheel at the bottom, and to any passers by it appeared that our car was occupied by three boys and being driven by none of them.
We really thought this was the height of comedy, that our little trick could not be topped. I will never forget the look on the face of the blue hair in the Cadillac as she passed our car headed in the opposite direction. Terror replaced elation as the prevalent emotion in our car as the Caddy careened off towards the ditch, its operator rendered useless by her shock in seeing a ghost car traveling the highway to Ellis.
Our plan had not included a strategy for stopping the car and turning it around, so we did the best thing we could think of; panic. I managed to get back into the drivers seat and get the car headed back to what I was sure was the scene of someone’s grandma’s terrible end. By the time I got headed back her direction though, the Caddy was pulling up out of the ditch on its own, and not wanting to further terrify the poor geezer, I pulled to the side and watched from a distance as she headed off about her day.
I would have loved to have been there when she reached her destination though.

Crazy Mormons

2008-10-28T11:28:00.000-07:00

I have some questions about Polygamist Mormons. Why are the women always so ugly? I think if I were going to have multiple wives, I would need a few of them to be attractive. But not these guys. I guess it’s a quantity over quality thing. Maybe the attractive women know that they don’t have to share a man.

That brings up another point. Are these ugly broads flocking to the polygamist sects themselves, or do the dudes go out and actively recruit? I can see how that sales pitch would go down; “So, honey, you’re kind of homely with that straight brown hair, whattya say you come back down to Utah and join me and my three other wives who live in a shack in the woods?” Judging from what I have seen, these women are probably not getting a lot of better offers. If they turn Jebediah down, they will probably just end up buried under the floorboards in the kitchen of the town Librarian.

I am trying to lose weight, but cannot turn down fast food. So I have started ordering the Kids Meal every time I go. I eat a lot less, plus I always have a toy to bring home for my boys.

What I learned in College

2008-10-26T08:25:00.001-07:00

I learned it’s all true. All the quips and quotes, all the bits of wisdom. When your grandpa pulled you aside after your parents told him about your “little girlfriend” whne you were 12. When your Dad grabbed your shoulder before prom. They were right. It’s all true.

“They are all crazy, just find one you can live with” I will start here, because it is the most debated. And the most accurate. Men are pigs, women are crazy, but every so often a pig goes crazy, it all works and everything is right with the world. For a period of time. Sometimes days or weeks, but if you are 99% of college students in the U.S. this bliss is shortlived. Crazy goes to far, or the pig gets too wild, and it all explodes. But it’s ok. 10 years pass, and you realize that she wasn’t the one, not even close, and what she did wasn’t so bad, and you shouldn’t have called her that name. But that clarity only comes when you find the one crazy you can live with.

“One day she will grow up to be her mother” Definitely true. Not always bad, but most definitely true. The thing is, it takes a long time to grow. And just when you think she has grown into the perfect partner for you, she realizes you are not what she wants. And so she goes away. And you have to start all over again.

“There are plenty of fish in the sea” Save the best for last? You damn betcha. It’s the best part, its why we go to college (well, most of us). To learn, to explore, to try new things. And by new things, I mean new girls. Lots of them. Try doesn’t have to mean what you think, either. But it is a great and wonderfull thing to know the touch, the scent, the feel of girls. And yes, I mean girls. Women are great, and you have a whole lifetime to live with them, but college, college is about the girls. long ones, tall ones, short ones, Brown ones, black ones, round ones, big ones, crazy ones. Thank god for the crazy one’s. There is only one way to learn.

Yard Balls

2008-10-26T06:42:00.000-07:00

In 25 years, I think movie makers will use the PT cruiser as the go- to vehicle symbol of the American Loser, ala Wayne and Garth’s AMC Pacer.

“Qualified buyers” If you really are a Highly Qualified Buyer, do you even need the Zero Down Payment program?

I love the Yard Sale. And the Garage Sale. Even an occasional Estate Sale. What I think is most interesting is the levels of these things. There is a definite hierarchy of sales. At the top you have the Estate Sale, followed by the Neighborhood Sale, then the Garage Sale, then a Yard Sale, and then it’s just junk by the curb. There are several subsets within the general levels, including the post-auction estate sale, the 50% off sale, and the closeout garage sale where most of your junk is just free anyway. All the names, all the different signs, it’s really all the same thing, you trying to make a nickel off of some shoes you want to throw away. I love it.

Speaking of garage sales, here are the items a person should never buy at a garage sale. Underpants. Medical Equipment. Food. Brand new electronics. Cars. Sex. There are more I am sure, but that’s a good starter list.

I would like to use this opportunity to share with you some quotes from my buddy J.B. He is quite a dude, to be sure. His life does, in many ways resembles that of Kramer on Seinfeld, although to be fair, he doesn’t not actually resemble Michael Richards in any way.
J.B. on his philosophy for Work. “Sometimes I lie, I tell them I care”
J.B. on a female acquaintance “The only time I really ever talked to her was to give her directions to my house”

J.B. is also the protagonist of today’s strange but true story. Home alone one evening, J.B. constructs himself a delicious Ham Sandwich, with cheese and places it in the Microwave to warm. Distracted by a telephone call, J.B. heads downstairs to his room. Phone call completed, J.B. becomes engrossed in an episode of Road Rules and forgets about the sandwich. An hour passes and the roommate returns home with a date. Hearing the sounds of the roommate and date in the kitchen, J.B. is reminded of his delicious Ham Sandwich. He proceeds to walk into the Kitchen and press the start button on the microwave, waits patiently for 15 seconds and retrieve his delicious sandwich. The roommate and date are amazed as apparently J.B. has discovered the mythical “Ham Sandwich” button on the microwave.

If you were in Hell, and the Devil chooses to stab you in the balls with a pitchfork, how would that feel? Isn’t the point of Hell that it can’t possibly be any worse? Maybe you don’t have any balls in Hell.

Shower gas

2008-10-23T14:41:00.000-07:00

Boss man asked me the other day, “Aaron, when can I expect that report to be finished”
My response; “That’s the great thing about expectations, you can expect it anytime you want. You can expect it to be finished right now if you want. It wont be, but you can go right ahead and expect it.”

Has anyone besides me ever had to get out of the shower before they were finished because they cut one and it smelled so bad they could not stand it any longer?

Peppermint bloopers

2008-10-20T14:02:00.000-07:00

Peppermints. Weird name, they are all mint, no Pepper.
And how do I get that hole in the middle every time I eat one? It makes a cool whistle, but I don’t know how it gets there

Saw a sign in Mayetta Ks this weekend. Similar to what you see by the highway as you
Pass by small Midwestern towns. FOOD, AUTO REPAIR, LIQUOR, COLLECTIBLES. All the basic needs of American Life. Who doesn’t need to know.

I watched TV Bloopers with Dick Clark the other night. Why do they have a live audience? Who would go and be a part of a live audience for a show that is based on watching clips on TV?

I have always preferred Fall over Summer when the topic is Hot Ladies. I like some mystery, plus the are more chicks who look banging in sweaters as opposed to bikini’s. And even if they don’t look good, at least in the fall they are covered up.

Why is taking Phone messages so difficult for some people? Name, number, reason for call. Here are some message’s I have seen lately.
“Bill will call later”
“Jaimie is running a little late”
These are pointless messages, written by well meaning morons. Just for fun, I like to go by and leave similar messages on random co-workers desks. Its fun, try it.
“Call Mike ASAP!”
“Meeting is cancelled”

What is this?

2008-10-20T13:53:00.000-07:00

What are Jorts?
Technically they are Jean SHORTS.
Jean shorts are inappropriate clothing items favored by child molesters, NASCAR fans, hillbillies and professional Fishermen.

But,
For my purposes, JORTS are Juvenile Observations and Random Thoughts.

I am a Juvenile Adult. I am mature in age and childlike in thoughts.
I also have a short attention span and like to shoot off at the mouth.
Other people find me annoying and classless. I find myself humorous and intelligent.

Here are some things that I find funny, enjoy them with me.

AO